An Open Letter to the Hamster in My Brain

Dear Hamster Who Has Yet to Be Named,

I am getting so close to firing you and banishing you from my brain. You see, all week I have been trying to write something, anything. And yet, nearly everything that finds its way onto my screen is pure rubbish.

Oh sure, you might squeak and say, “But it’s your damn inner editor’s fault! HE is the one criticizing every damn thing you manage to get onto a draft!”

You’d be right about the criticizing but when it comes to needing you for getting good ideas and writing something I actually like you’re too busy napping. Hell, you could be up there getting drunk for all I know.

It seems like the only time you’re actually doing anything is when I am asleep and getting these bizarre dreams. Seriously, what the fuck is up with that? Ferris wheels named Portlandia? My professors? Riding a motorcycle? Making the small town of Gilroy, California a Route 66 town? I don’t get it. Open Letter to the Hamster in My BrainListen, we can work together you know. And you also can work with that drunken editor of mine and help me out here. I know it’s summer and it’s a great time to be lazy. But here’s the thing, we have this blog to run. There are people who actually read this. Someone other than my husband and a few friends.

I have no idea what you want other than a break, ya lazy bastard. I can’t say I blame you though. This past semester was an ass kicker and I put you through the wringer.

How about this: Let’s play! Let’s have fun! Let’s work together to write silly posts. Posts about frolicking through splash pads and lazy summer nights spent on the balcony sipping cheap wine. Posts about books and upcoming road trips. Posts about the random shit my husband and I say at times.

Whaddya say, hamster? Can we do this?

What’s that? You want a name other than hamster? We can work on that! How about we send it out to the readers and see what they come up with?

Friends, it’s up to you. Let’s give hamster a name and see if he’ll work with me more often. Hey, it could happen. Maybe. I doubt it but if I go the snarky route he could be an ass and refuse to do anything even with a name. So I’m just going to give him the benefit of the doubt and see what happens.

I’ll choose a name from the suggestions and announce it on my fan page in one week. Sound good? Awesome. Happy naming!


  1. You call yours a hamster, I call mine “the voice.” Does everyone have one or just insane writers?

  2. Noggin
    according to Google, it means…
    -a person’s head.
    -a small quantity of liquor, typically a quarter of a pint.

  3. I have a hamster, but I haven’t given it a name or made it into an animal. Hmm. Now I feel like I need to do this. Platypus? I always thought that was a bizarre creature, not really sure of what it is. Ugh. This comment is not going well. Must be the damn hamster.

  4. Ralph! Hoping he starts working for you again soon! Have a great day!

    • Thanks, Sarah! He’s not liking Ralph too much either but we’ll see how it goes. What a picky little bastard.

  5. You are in Las Vegas right? Name him Wayne Newton, no one will know the difference!! Sorry, my attempt at humor!! I’m warped so I thought it was funny!!

    • Bwahaha. Yes, I am in Vegas. Naming him Wayne Newton might border on too cliche though and then the next thing you know the hamster is singing Danke Schoen. Oh lordy. We’d all be in trouble then. LOL

  6. Well, I can clearly see that I’m the only pervert who reads your blog because I immediately thought you should name him “Richard Gere.” But if you go with the suggestion of one of your other comments, and you name him Ralph, can he please be Ralph Muchio, like Macchio…never mind. Oooh, or you could name him Mr. Miyagi because he helps Daniel-son with, you know…everything. See…I’m full of suggestions.

    Welcome to my brain. There’s no hamster in mine, just a map with jagged roads that lead to nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

    • Oh, I’m sure there are more perverts on this blog. Trouble is, no one is willing to admit it it seems. Haha. Also, the whole Richard Gere thing involved a gerbil, not a hamster. Still, that’s funny as hell!

  7. I feel like I have a stampede of hamsters in my brain, but I can only hear whichever one crawls to the top of the hamster pile, so they’re always competing and sabotaging each other and I’m only hearing snatches of their words before they get knocked down by another.

    Yep, all writers are insane.

    • I thought you had stampedes of goats or cute baby seals in your brain. :)

      And yes, all writers are insane. We should question anyone who argues otherwise and do so with some serious suspicion.

  8. How about Hannibal? If you don’t come up with some original ideas he will eat your liver with a fine Chianti.

    Wishing you and your hamster a productive collaboration.

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