Dear Santa: A Letter from Marty

Dear Santa,

Marty here reporting from the Ulmanis household. Listen, fat boy, we need to talk.

First things first: Why on earth did you send me to a household with no human kids? I thought my job was supposed to help keep kids in line.

The “kids” these two have all have fur. Three of them are cats, two are rats. I’ve never seen the rats so I have no clue about them. But the cats. Oh boy. Let me tell you something about them.

One cat is named Pip. He’s black and white and crazy all over. You know what he likes to do? He likes to pick up a toy in his mouth and then mount a stuffed lion for some pervy action. I’ve heard something about catnip but that seems a little weird to me.

The other two, Melvin and Arlen, don’t seem to notice me. I see them, though. Arlen is a scaredy cat who is easily spooked and is picked on a lot by Pip. I really think Pip deserves a lump of coal this year. Just sayin’…

Melvin’s cool. He just loafs around when he finally decides to wake up. He might play a little, but according to the humans, he’s a bit of a grumpy old man. Pip picks on him from time to time as well. See? Lump. Of. Coal. Get on that, dude.

Now, let me talk to you about these humans, John and Kim. They’re both cool, don’t get me wrong, but it is a bit weird to be in a household where there are two grown-ups but no kids. Sure, they act like kids with their fart and poop jokes but they are STILL grown-ups. What gives?!

Kim is a coffee-obsessed nutjob who takes some kind of pill every day and swears a lot. Fuck this, fuck that. What the fuck is this. Potty mouth much? John isn’t much better, especially after he’s knocked back some bourbon or wine.

John, I don’t know much about him since he often leaves the apartment to go to work. He’s been known to leave me a bottle of tequila or bourbon from time to time. Hell, he let me party with Pimento the Penguin one night. Hoo boy. You probably saw how crazy that night got.

Dear Santa Marty and Pimento

Anyhoo, so yea. John is cool just like Kim. He tends to hide in the office a lot until Kim yells at him to come pay attention to her. Me, I just sit and watch all these shenanigans. She demands attention then just sits there and plays Freecell. Weird.

I don’t move around a lot these days. Kim said she’d help move me but since there is that whole no kids thing she’s gotten lazy and just lets me nap on her desk all day, everyday. Wish I could get out more. Maybe even find a kid to keep in line. This job sucks the big one right now.

Santa, you think you could send me some wine or something? Maybe reassign me? Sure Kim and John share their booze with me but I’m bored. I can’t drink all day and all night or party with a penguin.

Whaddya say, Santa? The alcohol might be great but this grinchy nonsense going on at their household plus a pervy bully cat is no fun for me. If you can’t reassign me until after Christmas that’s cool, I guess.

Any suggestions for me in the meantime? If you can’t reassign me, that is? What have you got for me?

Help me out a bit Santa. Pretty please? Sending you lots of love from Las Vegas, Nevada.

– Marty

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