And the Award For Biggest Dumbass Goes To…

On an ordinary day where I have slept enough, eaten enough and feel reasonably calm rather than stressed, I am pretty aware of my actions. I might screw up a word or two, comment on the wrong post or put a note on the wrong day in my planner. No biggie. We all have our dumbass moments, amirite?

My latest faux pas was one that quickly won me the Dumbass of the Day award.

Biggest Dumbass Award
And the award for Biggest Dumbass Goes To…

It started out simple enough. Thanks to a few extra bucks my husband managed to score earlier in the afternoon, he decided to pick up a burrito bowl from Chipotle for me as well as a bottle of cheap wine. To make things a bit quicker, I ordered my bowl online as I often to do to expedite the process.

Five minutes before the order was expected to be ready, he headed out of the apartment to make a quick stop at Total Wine before picking up my dinner.

When he arrived back home 30 minutes later, yours truly was planted at her desk playing Mahjong Safari for the 20th time that day. Despite raging hunger, I opted to finish my game before diving into my food.

Big. Mistake.

Biggest Dumbass Award - Mahjong Safari
I spend more time than I really should playing this game. It’s a problem. I know. Don’t judge.

As it turned out, the dodos at Chipotle put both the sour cream AND salsa directly onto my bowl. Had it been *just* the sour cream I would have been fine. But, seeing how I hate onions and would rather drain the liquid from the salsa onto my bowl, I always order it on the side.

I. Was. Ticked.

My husband had already put on his sweatpants for the night and I was both in my yoga pants and too tired (okay, fine, lazy) to make the drive over to correct it. Instead, I opted to make a phone call.

With a receipt in front of me I dialed the number on the top of it and immediately asked to speak to a manager when someone answered the phone.

“Hello, this is Bob*, what can I help you with?”

(*Bob is not his name. I was annoyed and not paying attention.)

“Yea. Hi. I just had my husband pick up an order from you and yet again my order was wrong. We’re both in our pajamas and neither one of us is going back out tonight.”

Even with the Total Wine receipt in front of me it still hadn’t occurred to me that I dialed the wrong number…and I kept going.

“I asked for the salsa and sour cream to be on the side. My bowl had salsa directly on it. I hate onions and I didn’t want salsa on my burrito bowl.”

And then he said one simple sentence that alerted me to my fuck up.

“Uh, ma’am. We don’t put sour cream and salsa on our orders.”


“Ohh…shit. Um, yea. Shit.”

Mortified I hung up the phone without saying another word. Seconds later I was laughing my ass off and sent a text quickly followed by a phone call to a good friend of mine to tell him what I did. He suggested I needed to drink more. And he’s probably right because the sad reality is that I was 100% sober at the time of the phone call. Oops.

After hanging up with my friend, my husband and I sat there for a good ten minutes laughing despite my being humiliated. “I don’t think I can show my face there for a few weeks,” I told my husband.

“Eh. It’s no big deal. He’s probably laughing his ass off and thinking you’re nuts.”

“True. But still…holy shit. What if Katie* hears about it? Dude, she’s going to give me so much shit.”

(*Not her real name either)

“That’s if she even hears about it. Who knows what they tell each other over there. Besides, that shit was funny. You’re laughing!”

I couldn’t argue. Despite my epic dumbass moment I had to laugh at myself. Knowing I am normally careful about what I do just made it that much more hilarious in the end.

By the time I stopped laughing I came to one conclusion: Pay more freaking attention next time! Because although not doing so can result in some hilarious, albeit embarrassing, phone calls, it’s just better to pay attention to what I’m doing.

And in case you’re wondering, I did eventually call the right number and let them know they screwed up my order again. The manager I spoke with offered to either refund or replace my meal. I opted for replace because, let’s face it, I’m a Chipotle addict and even when they’re the dumbasses I’ll still return. I can’t help myself. Glutton for punishment I suppose.

What is the biggest dumbass moment you have had? If you’re willing to share that is.